I promised my self I wouldn't go here...

Two blondes are hiking in the woods.

They come across a pair of tracks and start discussing what type of animal made them. One says they are deer tracks. The other says they are bear tracks. They stand there arguing for a while, but before they can agree, a train hits them.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and Donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.

The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."