I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.
"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
A lawyer just got home from work. As he stepped out of his BMW, a speeding car ripped off the door. As the lawyer jumped up and down cussing and swearing, a cop who was driving by stopped. He rolled down the window and said, “What’s wrong?"
The lawyer replied, “That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off my BMW’s door!"
The cop said, “You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your possesions. If you weren’t blinded by greed, you would notice that your arm got ripped off!"
“Oh no!" cried the lawyer, “My Rolex!"