George Bush, Barrack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face GOD!
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right."
God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left."
Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
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At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
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Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.
One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.
One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.
The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”
The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”
So the next day the first lady went to the drug store in search of some condoms. She’s standing in front of shelf full of condoms when any employee notices her.
He walks over to her wondering why such an old lady might be needing condoms and says, “Ma’am, can I help you find what your looking for? Any certain size or texture?”
The lady responds, “Doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s fits a Camel”
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
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